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Summary
In this conversation, Amber Trejo, a marriage and family therapist, discusses healing from trauma and CPTSD, emphasizing the importance of somatic healing and emotional awareness in both therapy and parenting. She shares insights on how childhood experiences shape parenting styles and the necessity of breaking the cycle of trauma. The discussion highlights the significance of self-care for parents, the role of psychoeducation in understanding trauma, and the value of community support in the healing process. Ultimately, the conversation explains the transformative power of healing for both individuals and future generations.
Follow Amber on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/integrativetraumatherapist/
Books mentioned: Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine, The Myth of Normal by Gabor Mate, How to Meet Yourself by Nicole LePera, The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der kolk, The polyvagal theory in therapy by Deb Dana, Adult children of Emotionally Immature Parents , What my bones know by Stephanie Foo, Complex PTSD by Pete Walker
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Read the Transcript:
Speaker (00:37)
Hi Amber, thank you so much for coming.
Hello, how are you?
Good, are you? good. Good, good. Okay, start with who you are on Instagram, what you do, where you’re from, what your background is.
Yes, so I am originally from San Jose, California. I was born and raised in California and now I live in Indianapolis and I’ve lived here for about 10 years. I am a marriage and family therapist and I specialize in trauma. Specifically complex trauma, CPTSD, childhood trauma, and those types of things. And I do a lot of somatic work with my clients. So I talk a lot about that on Instagram. I am a content creator on Instagram and all my content is trauma related and just all about complex trauma, childhood trauma, how to heal from that. And then also about just being a parent in the midst of healing from that, because I work with a lot of parents who have a lot of childhood trauma and want to break those cycles. So that is I also have three little boys of my own and I’ve been married for almost 12 years coming up in November.
Okay. Now for those people who don’t know, can you talk about CPTSD? Cause I think most people have heard of PTSD, but when I talk about complex PTSD, most people don’t know what I’m talking about.
Yes. So CPTSD is complex post-traumatic stress disorder, and it’s not actually in the DSM yet. Hopefully it will be soon. it’s becoming more popular now, but I think a lot of people still are a little bit kind of like, I’ve never heard of that before. so post-traumatic stress disorder often comes and happens as a result of one acute trauma, one big traumatic event that happened. And so as a result, that person may or may not get post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of that one traumatic event CPTSD is a result of multiple traumatizing experiences that happen over the course, usually of our lifetime, like early in childhood, throughout our childhood. Or even like if you were an adult and you were in a domestically abusive. relationships. So basically these traumatizing experiences happening over and over and over again. And CPTSD is what happens to results of those things. And it’s similar to post-traumatic stress disorder, but also different in different ways.
Okay. Okay. And so you talked about that and then you also talked about somatic healing. Can you talk about that for a second just before we get into everything so that everyone’s on the same page
Yeah somatic healing is just a fancy way to say using your body in your healing work.
I do talk therapy and attachment focus therapy, but I also use the body in the healing work as well. And I talk about that a lot.
what does that mean? that like breathing, tapping?
All of it. it can be really even something super simple that I do is felt sense. So like I’m having an emotion right now. I’m feeling a little bit anxious being on this podcast because I still get kind of anxious being on these podcasts. And the way that that shows up in my body is I feel like my chest feels a little bit tight and I’m feeling that in my body. So it’s even bringing recognition to an emotion or a feeling and how that’s showing up in your body. That’s one, one aspect of it.
I do have a specific question about that because I feel like having grown up with so much childhood trauma and for sure I have CPTSD. I was never taught to be in my body and that always was very scary for me. And you know, my family is not affectionate. We never touched growing up and growing up in a very strict Mormon purity culture, bodies, it was often shameful or embarrassing. We didn’t talk about it. So everything was very uncomfortable. So now when I talk to therapists and I say, how, what’s coming up for you and your body, I find just a giant disconnect because I don’t know how to do that. I almost never know what they’re talking about when they’re asking me that. So how do I get from a place of being super disconnected with my body and not even knowing how to, you know, listen to my gut or what that feels like or sensing those emotions, whatever, to what you’re talking about? what do you suggest in those scenarios for those people?
I love that you brought that up because it’s so common and I’ve yet to meet somebody who’s gone through complex trauma that’s really like, let me just tap into my body and what am I feeling right now, you know? It’s so foreign to us. And so I think the first thing that just popped up into my mind when you said that is really slowly, super slowly. And so I think that is one thing on Instagram and stuff that I don’t feel like is conveyed enough. It’s just that before we even do that, right, we have to focus on bringing safety to our body and feeling a safe connection with some someone, some pet, an online community visualizing a safe connection, right? And then, and as that grows and as you start gently tapping into your felt sense slowly you’ll start to recognize what you’re feeling in your body, but it’s a very slow process. But even something I remember reading The Tiger by Peter Levine. And he goes through an exercise that you can do where you’re in the shower and you’re just taking, if you have like a shower head that you can move around, you’re just taking the shower head and you’re like putting it on your head. You’re feeling, okay, I’m only focusing on my head. I’m focusing on the water hitting the specific area of my body. Or if you don’t have a removable head, of just like taking your hand and kind of like, this seems so silly to do, right? A lot of stuff. It feels, it’s silly. It’s-
That was my homework. That was my therapist homework in the shower. She’s like, I just want you to pay attention to the water hitting your head. And the first time I did it, I was like, this is terrible. I hate this so much. I cannot do this. But then like she made me do it and it was my homework. And then it just got easier and easier. But the first time I was just like I hate this so much.
Yes, or just tapping each part and just solely focusing on, okay, what is my hand tapping against my skin? Okay, now if I do it really gently, what does that feel like? Now if I do it harder? So it’s really just this slow process of getting acquainted with your body first, and you don’t have to feel 100 % safe in it to start noticing, but I do think there has to be a big element of safety being there before you start tapping into that.
Which is just such a foreign experience for someone who didn’t grow up with that because, you know, I spent most of my childhood dissociating because of yelling and abuse and different types of trauma. And so being present and being in my own thoughts and like intentionally trying to be in my body is just such a bizarre thing for me that I really had to learn. Honestly, it’s been like learning how to ride a bike, like just so foreign and so weird. then, like with anything you get more comfortable and comfortable. But yeah, I would say trying to get someone who just routinely is comfortable with dissociation and routinely comfortable with not being present and not wanting to be in my own brain because it gets dark or it spirals or whatever that yeah, that’s certainly such an element that I found to be so helpful though with parenting because it’s one of those things that I’ve had to learn to be more present with my kids. And it’s all really connected into being with my body and being out in nature and like slowing down and being with my kids and just trying to savor that it’s been, it’s been such a journey.
Yeah. Where I see that with my children, where I see it a lot helping me in parenting is that recognizing the emotion that what my child is doing is giving me and what physical sensation that’s giving me in my body and then why I might react in a certain way. You know, like when I feel shame in parenting, that’s a really big one for me. I notice that my body starts getting really, really prepared to kind of attack, you know? And so I have to really soothe myself and soothe my body to just be like, you’re feeling shame. It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. You know, kind of just staying there with me and that feeling and noticing and acknowledging it is really important. It’s helped me so much.
Well, and it a voice, giving it a name, validating it, right? Like instead of suppressing it or feeling bad about it or getting triggered and then letting it control everything that you’re thinking. But yeah, just like naming, this is what I’m feeling. And that’s okay. And I’m going to sit with this and I’m not going to rush it away and I’m not going to be embarrassed by it. I tell my kids all the time that, but I know, you’ll have to tell me what you think, but I tell them all the time that there’s no such thing as good emotions and bad emotions. I always just say that they are all neutral. They are all messages from our body communicating to us something that we need to know. that, you know, feeling jealous is not, you shouldn’t feel bad about that. And we always talk about the difference right between having the emotion and then the behavior or the words that come from that emotion as two very separate things. And that we all just have these emotions, experience these emotions, but they’re not good or bad. It’s how we react after. don’t know. Tell me what you think.
I love that. I love that. As a therapist, I love that. Of course. I’m like, yes. I don’t even say like negative emotions, because even negative emotions, that’s in my like even EMDR training manual, right? So people still really use those, you know? And I will always say uncomfortable emotions. And what you, I love that you brought up the jealousy piece, right? Because I think so many times we’re really quick to jump in and correct our child before we just allow them to like have that feeling and be like, yeah, that’s normal, right? And my son…one of my sons got jealous was talking about like, this friend has this, you know, this house and like, sometimes it’s hard for me when my friends have nicer things than me, you know? And I could have very easily gone in to correct right there. mean like, well, you should be grateful for what you have. And if you just practice gratitude, you’ll be okay, you know? But I mean, come on, we all feel jealous sometimes. And so I just said to him like, yeah, that feeling’s jealousy. And that happens sometimes when someone has something that we really want or that we don’t have. And that’s totally okay and it’s totally normal. And it really takes away the power of that emotion so quickly.
Yes, right, yes, yeah, of course. Well, and it just like removes, I feel like the negative connotations with all of these that we, I think unintentionally send the message to our kids that certain emotions are good to have and certain emotions are bad to have. And if you have those, you know, suppress them or don’t talk about them or, you know, we got to distract you from that because I’m uncomfortable with you being sad or angry or jealous or whatever. And I can’t sit with this. And so we need to, you know, go get ice cream or we need to look at this other toy, or we need to do what we can to make this uncomfortable emotion as short as possible so that we can move on and be happy.
Yes. man. yeah. That’s one that I struggle with a lot. Like if my kids are feeling anxious, I want to fix it for them. It’s really hard for me, but I totally agree. And I think it also takes away the morality of emotions. Like, you don’t have to feel guilty for having emotions. that came up for you? Okay. That’s normal. Everybody feels that way, you know? And there’s so much morality linked to just emotions. I just had this feeling and now I shouldn’t have felt that way. I feel so bad.
Yeah, and I don’t want to talk about it.
so much shame related to this emotion because nobody feels this way. Like, everybody feels that way sometimes. It’s okay.
Yeah. Or have felt it. Yeah, we all know. Well, and that’s like the whole spectrum of human emotions, right? And I saw this thing the other day that was just like, our goal is not to have calm, regulated nervous systems and children and whatever all the time. Like it’s so unrealistic for one, and two, really takes away from the depth of the human experience, right, and all the emotion. So yes, we have the skills to learn how to regulate and co-regulate with our kids and whatever, but the goal is not to be calm all the time. That’s like ridiculous. And the goal is not to be happy all the time either. I think that’s another, you know, such a common thing that, I just want my kids to be happy. I just want them to be happy. like, that…you’re gonna burn out and one it’s not gonna work, but two, you’re gonna burn out and then, and then what? Like it’s really all about, I think anyway, all about having all those emotions in a safe space, in a validating environment and being able to go through this metaphor always comes to mind about like the train going through the tunnel and you’re gonna have to go through that tunnel of whatever emotion it is that you’re having and you are going to come out the other side, there’s going to be a light at the end of that tunnel, but you have to get through that.
I love that. I’ve never heard that one before. That’s really good. like that.
And so, yeah, so I really wanted to have you on because we’ve homeschooled for 10 years and I, I often get, I could never homeschool. I just don’t have the patience. And What I want to get to with that is I feel like so many parents have a certain vision of what parenting is, which is like this heavy power dynamic and a top down authority and I need to be in control of everything and parents don’t recognize that they have all this trauma that they experienced growing up because they think of trauma, right, as some big capital T bomb or, sexual assault or what have you. And don’t think of it as all the times that maybe their voice was silenced when they were younger or, maybe they were gaslit or I think a lot of people probably experienced emotional abuse as kids that they would never dare say was abuse because it wasn’t physical and it wasn’t sexual. And so we, feel like our generation is just learning now about what it means to gaslight or what it means to, you know, the effects of the silent treatment or, coercion or manipulation, anything like that. Right. So all these things are coming up. But what I was going to say with that was, think parents go into this, into parenting, into homeschooling being completely unprepared for the inevitable triggers that will arise from our kids. Kids trigger us all the time and bring to light what we need to work on. And we don’t know what to do. And so we rage and so we yell. have unmet needs. We have this vision of what it is to be a super mom and you never have any problems and you just like love being a mom at all times. And then they’ll go searching for, I just need a better you know, organization for my kids’ room or, I just need to, get more massages or I just need this or I just need that. When in fact, I believe if we just like set all that aside and, you know, minimized our possessions, our schedules, whatever, and really just focused on our inner work that we need to do and healing that inner child and giving that child a voice that it didn’t have before that that homeschooling and that parenting would be so much less overwhelming.
essentially what I hear you saying is like think less, think of less things, And working more on healing the wounds that you have or parents have in their own childhood. Is that kind of what you’re saying?
Yeah, for sure. And just taking all the energies that we would otherwise spend on maybe finding the perfect curriculum or getting our kids the perfect toys or spending all this time focused on either external things that I really just don’t feel matter that much, or focusing on our children’s behavior, because I feel like that’s so much of what we do as parents is looking at our kid. Their behavior needs fixing. They need to not trigger me. They need to just listen. that becomes our focus and target when in fact, like, what if we just put a mirror and did that for ourselves. And so what is your experience in like your whole profession is helping people break those cycles and heal their inner child. And so what do you see that that does for parents and the relationship with the kids in the home?
yes. It makes a huge difference. It’s life changing. It’s, in my opinion, it’s the only way really to not the only way to be cycle breaker. Like I always talk about how you don’t have to have children to be a cycle breaker, but I mean, it’s really the only sustainable way to be a cycle breaker and enjoy parenting. Cause you could suffer through motherhood the whole time. And I’ve totally had moments where I have, you know, where it’s just felt like every day was a struggle, you know? And then I’ve had moments where I just like genuinely enjoy my kids and who they are and the chaos even of motherhood. And I think where I am in my own personal healing journey has a big part to play on them. so going back with complex trauma and the people I work with, know, emotional flashbacks is a big part of CPTSD. And that is when, so where somebody with PTSD would feel would maybe go to sleep and wake up and be like, I’m back in the war. I’m actually there. I’m physically there. That would be a flashback that you might have in PTSD. In CPTSD, you’re emotionally there. so emotional flashbacks feel like, my gosh, like this trauma is happening and I am feeling it with my emotions right now as though it’s happening right now in this present moment. And emotional flashbacks happen to parents a lot when their child is the same ages they were when they had some of these traumatizing experiences. It’s impossible for it not to. So when your child is crying and screaming, there’s a younger part of you that’s like, that’s so unsafe. That’s so scary. That’s so like, we got to make this stop right now. Like this is horrible. This is not safe. They’re going to get really hurt. They’re going to get really hurt, really, really bad. And if you don’t know that, because you’re just kind of like going through, you’ve never really, I didn’t have trauma. like that didn’t affect me that bad. know, you’re really, you’re way more likely to be super reactive to your children, to feel like you can’t take motherhood, feel like, like there’s no, to just feel like there’s no way I can do this, you know, or to even become abusive yourself, right? Because you might have a physical reaction. You might have an emotional, an emotionally charged reaction that could really permanently traumatize your child if you’re not doing that work. And I don’t say that to fear monger at all because I do feel like a big fear of parents who come from a lot of trauma is that they’re going to traumatize their child. I’m just saying that it is highly likely if you don’t do your own work and you have had a lot of trauma. would almost be willing to say like, it’s impossible not to in some way if you don’t do your own work because there’s no, I hate saying that, but it’s just, you’re going to reenact those patterns. Your body is going to reenact those patterns. And that’s, yeah. And so what I hear you saying is like, instead of thinking about how perfect everything needs to be and trying to be the perfect parent, even in terms of homeschool, instead of trying to be the perfect teacher for your child, instead of trying to be the perfect homeschooling mom and meet up to these impossible standards that are everywhere nowadays, you know, just trying to like sit back and be like, I don’t need to do all that. Cause that’s going to be very dysregulating and being perfect is going to be very dysregulating. And so I just need to tune into me and try to heal my own trauma. And as a natural result of that, I will be a better parent.
I mean, the other thing that I think about too is you take a parent who comes from a space that, yeah, where they need to heal that inner child. That parent is already on edge from all of their own trauma. And then you throw in having children and you throw in, you know, productivity being tied to our self-worth in this society. You throw in feeling guilty for resting. You throw in, you know, learning our generation, I feel like is the first generation learning about what self care even is. Like we’ve, I certainly didn’t grow up with parents who talked. don’t think self care was even a term used, you know, in the eighties and nineties. And so you take that parent who doesn’t know how to put their needs first because where do we ever hear that? Where do you ever hear the narrative that moms should focus on themselves and prioritize themselves over their kids? The much more common narrative is that parenthood is tantamount to self-sacrifice and that’s what you’re gonna do is just sacrifice and sacrifice and sacrifice and you get this badge of honor for just eating last so your kids have a warm meal or never giving yourself a break because it means that you don’t love your children or whatever ridiculous things that we hear. I think we’re getting better for sure. mean, you probably have a better handle on it with the clients that you’re seeing, but I feel like we’re getting better at pushing that narrative that maternal mental health is like the most important thing because everything else suffers when that maternal mental health, feel like goes uncared for and unprioritized. That I don’t feel like is talked about. I think it’s getting out there, but it’s not.
You know, my favorite book when I first became a parent. Do you remember The Giving Tree? Yes. It’s like the saddest book.
It’s weird, right? I know. Okay. And I don’t know what message I’m supposed to get from book, but I was like, this is the worst. This guy’s a jerk.
Well, yeah, and it’s like…
So maybe I got the wrong…
No, I loved that book, but it’s all about this tree that like basically gives everything it has. It’s supposed to be about parenting. I actually feel so horrible because I gave that book to one of my closest friends when she first became a mom. And I was like, motherhood, like in the transcript, was like motherhood is giving until you have nothing left. Like this was when I became a therapist or anything. And like that’s literally what I thought it was. And I thought this giving tree book was like so amazing. And like, she just ends up as a stump he can sit on like, and that is so sad. Like, no, why? Stop. That is just, and yeah, that’s what we expect of mothers, the giving tree, to be everything for your child. And till you end up basically being a stump that like has nothing to do except for wait for them to come sit on you, you know, that’s maybe a weird take on the book. No, it’s not a weird take. That’s what the book is.
I think that’s, mean, I’m gonna have to go back and look at what did the author like tell us what we’re supposed to get out of it. And maybe I’m just like not educated about it, but yeah, that’s what I got too is like a super toxic one-sided relationship. And then they both end up like happy at the end together. And I was like, this tree is He is dead. Yes, exactly. And I do feel like that now I do have that vision of like, that’s what I do feel like people try to put on mothers and yeah, martyr or like some mothers.
Yes, exactly. Like I gave up my life for you. I gave up everything I wanted. Or I didn’t do this because of you. Like, I never want my children to feel like they’re the reason why I didn’t do something, you know, ever. Or that they owe me something because of that. But I hear that from narcissistic parents all the time. Not from them, but like from children of narcissistic parents all the time, where that like margarine comes into play, well, I did all of this to host this Thanksgiving, or I did all of this to do that. And every once in a while, it’ll come out in me a little bit. Like, I’ll be like, I bend it over backwards. like, I chose to do that. Why am I so resentful about it? know? But I just don’t, yeah.
Yeah, it’s the imposed, I would say that, cause there’s things that are true, right? Like I did so much, spent so much time on this dinner and all these dinners this week and know, meal after meal after meal that you guys are like, this is gross or I don’t want to this or whatever, right? And so we have these very real feelings of feeling like we’re in this thankless job and it is a very one-sided relationship because you are an adult and you are raising dependents. Like this is not an adult-to-adult relationship. isn’t the same thing. So the standards for expectations and behavior are just going to be different. But yeah, there’s the difference between that and then the example that you gave is great with Thanksgiving dinner because it’s the stuff that is self-imposed. I think about this with Disneyland all the time because when have you ever been to Disneyland and not heard a parent like laying into their kid and being like you need to be having a good time and I can’t believe that you’re crying and you’re so ungrateful Blah blah blah, which you know is just because the parent has spent tons of money. They’ve taken the time off work They’re supposed to be in the happiest place on earth But everything is like exorbitantly priced and it’s over stimulating and their kid like Understandably isn’t getting a good night’s sleep is surrounded by noise and sounds and people and crowds and lines and heat and whatever. like, who doesn’t get dysregulated in that environment? But yeah, that does that same idea of, I did all of this for you and I spent all this thing. it’s really, you’re getting triggered because you have all these expectations, unrealistic expectations of your very small, still developing brainchild that you want to have this very adult-like behavior of being perfectly grateful and poised and regulated in the most overstimulating place on
Absolutely, yes. That is so true. I’m thinking of the dinner thing because the other night I made homemade pot pie for dinner and I was so proud of myself. I was like, my gosh. And then none of my kids wanted to eat it. And I was realizing the other day I was thinking, never have, I never cook anymore. I never cook like I used to when my husband and I first got married and I had this like idea of what the like perfect family would be like, you know? And I was like, we’re gonna have family dinners every night and I’m gonna make homemade meals and it’s just gonna be great, you know? And now three kids later. And all the work that I’ve done just on regulating myself, I realized after I made that homemade pot pie and none of my kids really liked it. And I had to figure out something else for them to eat, you know? And then I had to do all these dishes. Well, I think my husband did it, but we had a messy kitchen, you know? And I was like, you know what? I realized that’s why I don’t do that anymore. Cause it actually really does dysregulate me to have my children be like, this is gross. Right when I set down something on the table, right?
And, and-
That you spend hours.
Exactly. That I’m like really proud. Like I’m like, I need to like Instagram this on my stories right now. I’m such a good mom, you know? And then they like don’t want it. But it’s like, they don’t want that and that’s okay. And what I realized is like the reason why we don’t have dinners like this right now is cause the stage of life we’re in is that it’s too dysregulating for me to cook and all of that. Like with during the witching hour when like, you know, they’re all crazy and like they’re all wanting me and then they don’t even like it. So what’s the point? So I think there could be an element of that with the homeschooling thing. You know, I even like that would connect with that is that like, I think we do things a lot of times because we think this is what a really good mom is supposed to do or this is what a really good homeschool mom would do. And it’s really about what do we have the capacity to do where we’re gonna do the best for our kids and we’re still gonna stay regulated and we’re gonna enjoy the time. Because 10 years from now, is my child gonna remember, you made a homemade pot pie that I hated. That was so disgusting. I didn’t touch it.
No, but they’re gonna remember you yelling at them for not wanting to eat the pot pie.
exactly. Yes.
how you made them feel when they honestly said, I don’t like the taste of this.
that like the whole tension in the room of just like, yes, why? You know, and just like, could have spent that time enjoying that time with them. We could have eaten dinner outside or something, something easy that they enjoy that I know they enjoy, you know? Yeah. So. Yeah.
I know. I think about that with my mom all the time because 100 % she had postpartum depression and anxiety, but it wasn’t a word back then and therapy was embarrassing and you didn’t go. like a hundred percent, I know that that’s what she had. She suffered in silence without her village. She moved away from her family. had no family support system. weren’t, birth control was heavily discouraged for their new Mormon marriage. So they had four kids right away, two years apart. And you just didn’t take care of yourself. Like if you were medicated, it’s because you were crazy and you belonged in like a mental hospital. Like no one talked about that, right? And you didn’t go to therapy. You certainly didn’t take care of your own needs. And she very much grew up in the household, but also the religious environment that you sacrifice all for everybody. And you are at the bottom of the list, right? And it’s God first and then husband and then kids, and then pretty much everyone else on earth and then you. And so I just think about that for her and think like, if you just had the wherewithal to notice stuff like that, like, hey, you know what, making dinners for these four kids and doing the perfect bomb thing just isn’t serving anybody. It’s not serving me. It’s not serving my kids. It’s not serving, you know, my relationship, the feeling in the home, but instead it was No, I have to do this. There’s like keeping up with the Joneses and I have to bake everything from scratch, as you said, and I have to, you know, have these perfectly behaved four kids. And then she just was triggered all the time and didn’t know why, you know, or didn’t understand because we didn’t talk about it. So I just, I really like that this generation that we are where we are and that, you know, there are things like Instagram where I’m following all your content and just like, wow, like, yes, totally that relates or whatever. Like we didn’t have that. Or my mom, you know, they didn’t grow up with that.
Very true. Very true. Yeah.
I just think it’s so, so great that like, these are people’s professions. It’s really common to have marriage and family therapists and people go and people go to therapy, you know, as they go to the dentist. it’s just a thing. mean, hopefully people do that.
So you see a lot of parents coming in wanting to break those cycles as their parenting, which I would say is the hardest thing that I’ve ever done because it’s hard enough to break those cycles on my own coupled with also being a parent is just like this perfect storm. So
What do you have, you know, this podcast audience of parents that you can talk to? What are some things that you just feel like you’re always yelling from the rooftops, your like main content pillars on Instagram? What are the key messages that you share with parents in this?
I’ve been thinking of like the pillars of healing trauma or parenting with trauma. I’ve been thinking about that lately. And I think what I think about is what I, a lot of what I did for myself is what I do with my community and what I put out there for Instagram. so what has been super helpful for me, the first thing that helped was recognizing and educating myself about the fact that I had experienced trauma, a lot of trauma, and that it deeply impacted my body, my mind, my relationships, and it deeply impacts my relationship with my children. that psycho education is a huge part of it. And psycho education is just education about psychology, just understanding what is complex trauma, what is childhood trauma. You had mentioned earlier, emotional abuse. What is emotional abuse? Did it happen to you? You know? And I would say understanding that it did is so healing in and of itself. Like you’re like this for a reason, right? It’s not just because you just decided, this, this, this, and that, like there’s lots of things that happen to us that make us the way that we are. And so understanding the reason why was huge for me. So psycho-educating yourself about that. And there’s tons of content out there on Instagram even, you know?
Were there any specific, yeah, specific books or podcasts or I know-Like how to meet yourself. And the myth of normal, I really liked. So that’s Gabor Mate. And he kind of just talks about how we have this idea of what’s normal in our society, but it’s actually all garbage and it’s Like we’re living in a super toxic society. So it makes sense that all our behavior, we’re all dysregulated and we’re all going through all this because we’re impossible to thrive in the systems that we’re in, right? Without dismantling that, without healing, whatever. And then the third one that I really liked was, this one was a harder read, but it’s called The Body Keeps the Score. So it took like a hundred percent of my brain power. But what I really liked about that one is The idea that you can’t hide from your body. Like your body knows what it’s been through. It remembers it’s ingrained in your DNA and your cells. And so you have to deal with it. You’re going to have to process it because it’s going to come out most likely as like health symptoms and chronic illness and you know, burnout and all these things if you are not processing your trauma. anyway, if there was anything that you remember on your journey specific books or podcasts or accounts that you like, please go ahead and name them. if you can’t think of them off the top of your head, I’ll just add them in the show later.
Yes, yes. So when I learned about polyvagal theory, that was really helpful for me. So I do feel like there’s books out there that Deb Dana has written that are easier for, like easier reads because even something like The Body Keeps the Score, I’ve skimmed through that. feel like it’s a good, it is a very good book, but it is very dense, you know? And so, yeah, I feel like sometimes if you’re already overwhelmed as a parent and as a trauma survivor and stuff, can just reading something like that can almost like, take your nervous system into like a shutdown, because it’s just like, what’s going on? There’s so much. Or even like what you talked about, I didn’t read the Gabor Matei book, but I love his stuff. But I feel like his videos, I feel like, are always better for me. And the other thing about that is like when it comes to toxicity or systems all being like corrupt or like us being set up to fail, I think that can be helpful, but it can also send into a shutdown, especially if you’re already trying to overcome all of this trauma from your childhood, right? And so sometimes it can just feel like, my gosh, but then even sending my kid to daycare is traumatizing them, or even doing this and even doing that, right? So I think you just have to be careful. I think that those are great options. And sometimes I think it sends parents who are already on the edge and just like, I just need to figure out how not to hit my kid. Right? Yes. That can feel really scary and overwhelming. And I think there’s a lot of parents out there who legitimately don’t know how to not hit their kid. You know? Yes. And it’s not talked about
they’ve realized how to not hit their kid, but they, it’s like the lesser of two evils. So they’re yelling all the time and not hitting Or they’re still emotionally abusing, or They’re doing these things, right? Because if you grew up with these things, you’re doing these things, maybe to lesser extents. Maybe you’re not hitting your kid, you were hit, but you’re doing, there’s some sort of abuse that’s coming out unintentionally most times, but you need to figure it out so you stop doing it, right? So I just think that you have to start really slow learning about these things. And I think if there’s too much information about that feels really dense and really over, it can feel overwhelming. That’s the only thing that I would say about that.
No, thank you for saying that. That’s so great.
So I think for me with the psycho education piece, I never learned it until I went to grad school and the books that I read that were helpful, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, that’s a really easy read. that really explains how emotional attunement is really, really important and how emotionally immature parents aren’t capable of giving that to us and how that feels and how that shows up in our parenting. I feel like that’s a really good one. I also really loved What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo. She doesn’t talk about parenting in it, but she talks about her own complex trauma and growing up in a family. There was an immigrant family that moved here and just what she went through with that. And she grew up in San Jose, which is where I’m from. And so I thought that was really cool and a really good read about how complex trauma shows up in our behaviors. Okay, so that would be books, psychoeducation. a really good one, real quick. Pete Walker, Complex PTSD. Surviving to Thriving, did you read that one?
Yes, and that one also is kind of heavy. really just want someone to just take his work and be like, let me just translate that for normal human.
that’s what I try to do on my Instagram. That’s a huge part of my calling. And that’s really because I remember being in a workshop with Bessel van der Kolk and he was talking about all of this research that he had done in the, in the trauma research foundation and stuff and how they went and they talked to these mothers who were like teenage moms and these things that helped. he said, eventually I got tired of doing all of this research. We’re paying for all this research, but it’s getting out to people who are PhD level. And there’s nothing that’s translating it into the people who actually need it. And that really stuck with me. And I was like, that’s so true. People just need to know, hey, I was there too. And this is how I got through it. Not as much as the specifics of it.
like, I can barely read a food menu and, like, make a good decision about what I want to eat. So, like, good luck. don’t know. You have an, you know, one hour of free time a day as a parent, if that, and it’s certainly not going to be spent reading a giant textbook. But yeah, you’re right. Pete Walker is, the king of CPTSD, and that is so, so helpful. I just need a bunch of, like, memes about all these people’s work in just like a bite size, a bite size amount. Yes. So good. Yes. I love that you have your content is very much like that. It’s great.
Yes. so that so so the psycho education part, I would definitely say look into your nervous system. Polyvagal, there’s a easy there’s easy ways to just look up thinking about like your window of capacity when you’re in fight or flight, when you’re in shut down, when you’re in that safe and connected place. And re-parenting yourself, so really talking to your inner child and being able to say, you’re okay, you’re safe. I’m right here with you. That was huge for me. Joining a community of other people, of other people who been what I had been through, I felt was really healing. And then eventually I felt safe enough to share my story. You know, I never felt safe enough to share the trauma that I had actually been through, but you know, at direct throughout grad school and everything, I started to be able to share that. And it was really empowering for me. And it really helps just having colleagues and things that like listened and that were like a soft landing and just understanding like, I’m not alone in this. That was huge for me. So yeah, I would say those things, joining a community, psycho education, learning about your nervous system, really big game changers. Reparenting yourself, really big game changers. Having self-compassion. Big one.
Yes.
Yeah. I know. that’s what, when I, whenever I get down on myself for like, I chose to have kids even with all my trauma, which to be honest, I was like, well, I’ve dealt with this. Like I am, I am away from that now and I’m older and I’m going to have my own kids and my own family and it’s not going to affect me. And so really it wasn’t until. I started to have kids and started to experience mental health challenges and triggering and all of that, that I was even like, okay, this is not something that I even thought to really, you just, don’t even know how someone prepares for that until you’re in the scenario. Like, yes, you can always do self-work before having kids, but there’s no way I could guess what was going to arise in me until I started have kids. So yeah, that psycho education and having that community I think is so great, such great advice. Whenever I get down on myself about having kids and knowing that I have this trauma and that I’m inevitably passing some things on because as a cycle breaker, like it’s not gonna be, they’re not gonna come away with it with nothing. So they have seen my trauma, like that is affecting them. And so, but However, whenever I think about that, always try and remember like, okay, what am I doing that’s different? My kids hear that they are loved. My kids are not always walking on eggshells. I don’t use them as my therapist. And I just go through this list in my brain of all the things that I’m doing that are, it’s different. I find that to be super, super helpful. And then the last thing that I’m going to share is. My 10 year old, whenever I’m like ADHD really hard or having a hard time with mental health stuff. he sits me down. He’s like, mama, you are not shit. Your brain is shit. is something that I shared with him.
That’s amazing.
My therapist shared that meme with me in jest, but I told him that because it made me laugh so hard. And to be honest, stuff like that has honestly been more helpful than me being like, okay, well got to
you know, deep dive into this textbook about CPTSD because that immediately like snaps me out of it. kind of resets my system. It reminds me that my kids, you know, love me and care about me and have this perspective. And so it doesn’t even need to be this giant, you know, burden of getting a PhD in psycho education. it can just be these slow little things that you’re like, yeah, okay. It’s okay. My brain’s having a hard time. And it’s not me, I’m still a good person. It’s just like a one sentence thing, but it makes me laugh every single time.
Yes. I love that. That’s hilarious. You know what that had me thinking as a therapist? had a question. Do you think six year old you would be proud of the mom that you are?
Right? Yes. Yes. I think about that the time because I’m like, I have just overcome so much and my home is so, so different from what my home growing up was. And so I think about that all the time with how much I struggle and get down on myself and I just think like my home No one talks about ambient abuse enough, but there was ambient abuse where it was just Egg shells all the time. So it’s not that someone was always yelling at me But the feeling and the vibe and the energy in my home was always Fear-based shame-based, know guilt based it was always this you don’t, you didn’t know who you were going to set off at whatever time. you could, your nervous system could literally never be regulated because it was always, everything was always on edge. Everyone was on edge. The energy in the home was on edge. And so I talk about that a lot because there is no way that a kid comes out of there with healthy brain development, even though there may not have been the giant explosive times, which in my case there was, but even in a home where, know, I wasn’t getting hit and I wasn’t all these scenarios that I think of that are like capital T trauma, but it was little T trauma that was just there all the time. And that made it so that I was chronically anxious and chronically stressed. And so when I walk into my home and I go, wow, it is so calm. My kids snuggle. They, you know, were loved. Everyone’s safe. everyone can actually have a regulated nervous system. And then I’m just like, okay, doing pretty good.
Yeah, that’s amazing. I love that. I love hearing other cycle breakers stories and you know, seeing just everybody out there doing that work and talking about it and making a difference. It’s awesome. So cool.
and how different would this world be if everyone literally just focused on healing themselves? And that was our top priority.
Yeah, my gosh. It would be such a better place. Well, we can dream.
We’d all just come so far. Yeah, but I mean, that’s what we’re doing. You’re doing it, I’m doing it, and our kids are doing it, which means that it’ll just ripple out to further generations. So I’ll leave everyone on that happy note.
Absolutely. Yes.
Okay, Amber, thank you so, so much, and we’ll chat later.
good. So great to be on and I look forward to talking to you again.
